Welcome Ladies, to the first annual convention for Women Seeking Rich Husbands. I am extremely pleased with today’s turnout and our fast increasing membership. I look at your bright, hopefuly faces and am reminded of our motto: “It doesn’t matter what he looks like; it matters what his financial statments look like.
Before I tell you about the exciting events we have scheduled, I want to extend my thanks to the Planning Committee, who worked tirelessy to secure this brilliant location on Wallstreet. Wallstreet is recognized the world over as workplace for some of our nation’s wealthiest men. In the building next door alone, we have a generous selection of lawyers, investment bankers, hedge fund managers, and business tycoons. But lets not get ahead of ourselves, ladies. There will be more on that during Wednesday’s lecture, “Your friend the elevator: how to land the rich man in the building next door.”
To kick off our convention, we will welcome best-selling author, Ivanna Richman, who recently published a new book, “Down the Aisle and Straight to the Bank.” Most of you are familiar with Richman’s other books, including “The Art of Marriage: Refusing a Prenup,” and “The Art of Divorce: Getting what you Deserve.”
At 12:00 we will break for lunch. The Planning Committee has prepared a list of nearby restaurants categorized by menu and the occupation and bank account size of the men that frequent them.
After lunch you will rotate between four half-hour workshops led by some of New York’s most notable socialites, who have turned marrying well into an art form. In Workshop 1, “If I were a Rich Man,” you will learn to distinguish between young men with real ambition, versus those suffering from The Tevia Complex, who have the dream but not the drive. In Workshop 2, “Law or Loser” we will go over which types of lawyers make the most money and which lawyers work for the love of the profession. Remember ladies, Pro Bono is a NoNo. In Workshop 3, “The Hospital Dating Pool; Looking at the Bright Side of Surgery,” you will learn when its appropriate to ask out your single doctor or anesthesiologist. Finally, in Workshop 4, “I Loved a Really Old Man and All I Got was This Lousy Tshirt,” we hear from experts on The Anna Nicole Smith case and where she went wront. Always get it in writing, Ladies!
I now turn the podium over to Mrs. Ivanna Richman. Let’s give her a warm welcome. She knows what she’s talking about.
(Written when I was 20)